I guess I found the answer to my previous question about which kind of pain I'd rather do away with, but I wish I hadn't figured it out this way. My (first-) cousin (-once-removed), Laura, died on Sunday. They found her dead in her apartment in Denmark where she was on an off campus program of some sort.
Even though I thought of Laura as sort of a generally sad person, not happy enough with herself, or content with her attributes, every image I have of her in my mind is with the biggest of smiles, always with a glow, just enjoying the scene she was a part of, enjoying the people she was with. But then, every time I was with her, she was with her family, and she clearly loved them very much. She seems like she would have been a good person to have as a friend - loyal, a good listener, low-maintenance, always looking for the humor in things...like a lot of us McVickar-types, of which she was one, tho her last name was Schaefer.
She emailed me a few months ago from Denmark, and here is what she wrote:
"Jamie & Co.,Don't cancel Big TG on my account! I do understand your reasoning, though. Part of me is a little relieved -- since I would have missed it anyway, I'm a little glad I won't be missing out on great big family fun! It's a Friday night here and, normally, that would involve partying (I did get drunk for the very first time [of my life] last night... I am quite entertaining when intoxicated) -- however, I am, sadly, sick. I've got the snifflies and the coughs and I'm losing my voice... I must say, it's extremely annoying. It's nice to have a bit of an excuse for a reprieve from social life 24/7, as, over the past year and a half, I've gotten pretty used to having nearly no social life. Big change from there to here! Sometime I'll tell you all about IPC. I need to go back to sleep soon (I'm just waiting for this damn sneeze to finally appear... it's tickling my nose and teasing me but not giving me the satisfaction of a sneeze!), but let me tell you: IPC? Is amazing. It's an amazing experience. Earlier today I talked to one of my teachers (the drama and choir teacher, so he's seen my vulnerable side) about my experiences at Colby and my anxiety and such... a bit of an explanation, I guess? By the end of our talk, we shared a nice hug. I'm already much more outgoing than I ever was at Colby or than I've ever really been in my life, as, out of 50+ students, I feel completely comfortable with about 45 of them. I was telling Mom and Dad that, already, after less than a month here, I can't imagine leaving these people. That they've all affected my life and become important to me... and I definitely won't want them to leave at the end of the term (I say 'them to leave' as I'm going to be staying for a second term). It's truly impressive. Anyway, much more later. I encourage you (and Cheryl, definitely) to respond. Ask questions, give me info about Ev and Elissa and the young'uns and Ammar... also, I'm sure you probably don't have time, but I encourage letters/packages. Packages are a bit much to ask, I know, but hearing one's name at mail call in the morning is wonderful. Here's my address:Laura SchaeferInternational People's CollegeMontebello Alle 13000 HelsingorDENMARKFinally, please, go make an account at http://www.flickr.com/. I have an account (ldougers) -- Dad and K8've signed up as well. Friend me or email me with your account name and I'll add you as family... and you can see my pictures. I'm slowly but surely putting up pictures I have on my computer. Eventually, I'm sure, I'll get up pictures from last Thanksgiving. Anyway, yeah, that's it for now. I've just gotten hiccups and I'd better try to steer them away. Like cattle. Annoying, annoying cattle. Much, much love! Laura"
...which she quickly followed with:
"PS (I suppose): Does one steer cattle? Or herd it? You herd sheep and steer cattle, yes? I like sheep so I'd say my hiccups aren't sheep. But I like cows, too. Anyway, I was concentrating on this steering/herding phenomenon and now said hiccups have been steered. Or herded. Whatever. PPS: If you couldn't tell that I'm exhausted and rather ill before, then you can now, right? ...right. PPPS: Love!"
This was my very unfortunate reply:
"Hi Laura - I am SO behind on emails. I'll catch (sic) with you one of these days. Great to hear you're having a good time tho.- Jamie"
Not even so much as a "Love, Jamie" ...and here it is 2 months later and I never did reply, dammit. What an asshole. But who's hurt most by my ignorance? Me...I hope.
Oh yeah, the answer to my question is I'd rather never feel physical pain again. The pain I've felt this week feels good...appropriate, like Laura deserves my feeling this much pain, not that she'd want me to, but because if I just thought "Ah, darn the luck." and moved on, it wouldn't have been the right reply. There's some inexplicable solace in the pain I've felt all week.
I'm glad I got to know you these past few years, Laura. Thanks for always brightening my life, when ever you were in it. Love, Jamie
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